Most women who think about having babies, talk about having babies, are trying to have babies and never want babies know exactly, well maybe not exactly, what they will and will not do once they become a mother. I had my fair share of things as well. So far many of them have come and gone, I have given some of them a try, some I never attempted and others I have stuck with, breastfeeding is one of them
Breastfeeding, I DO NOT enjoy it, some of you mom's out there are gasping at the thought. Sometimes I think that I may be the only mom in the world who is looking forward to the day that my little angle is weaned and I no longer feel that my only purpose in life is to me milked by my sweet little girl. Now it's not that I want her to get any older I still want to enjoy all her first and soak up all the baby time I can get but without the breastfeeding. Now is it possible that one day I will look back on these days and wish for them back, it's possible but feels unlikely most days. There may be something wrong with me, I'm okay with that.
I wanted to breastfeed for a few reasons: breast is best, it's FREE and all my mom friends said it was convenient, all positives for me. So like anything I did my research, talk to other mom's, took a class, found useful websites. I wanted to be successful at this and be prepared for what I was about to do. Of course you can never be completely prepared for anything that has to do with baby but I felt that I had all the knowledge I could find. Of course I had to make sure Kyle was full of all this knowledge too because I knew I would forget half of it because of my baby brain, which I have yet to get rid of.
Now it started off like most things when you are a newly sleep deprived walking corpus wondering how in earth you are surviving off of and hour and a half of sleep, I mean parent. It had it's up and downs times I cried, yelled, swore at my poor infant daughter, wondering if my breast would ever look the same and begged my husband for formula. But like most things as a new parent after a couple weeks, and many calls to the wonderful Lactation Consultants at Wentworth Douglas Hospital, we all got the hang of it and mommy began to heal both physically and mentally and we were on the road to success, it was a long road with a few detours but non the less we were making progress. It's hard to move forward quickly when you are tired.
Annaka is still exclusively breastfeed at 6 months and we are starting to introduce yummy veggies and fruits. I still don't get warm and fuzzy when she is nursing, I don't look down and wish for that moment to last forever and as amazing as it is, the fact that God made my body to nourish this little one, I still feel unattached to breastfeding. I feel that this is my job I am her mother and that is that.
I have wondered if it is because Annaka and I get lots of time alone together, I am grateful for this, so It's not that in the midst of a busy day we are searching for time to connect. We still have plenty of opportunity to be close. We play together while she is awake during the day. For this I am so thankful for and love every minute of it, well maybe not EVERY minute.
Maybe if/when we have more children when things are crazy and hectic I will cherish the time that I get to spend with a little one. Maybe it is now you go into it. While I was doing all of my research I looked at breastfeeding as a job that I mother does if she is able. I was able so it was my job and I like to do my jobs with excellence. For now I am thankful I can feed my daughter for free and give her lots of healthy antibodies. But I don't think that come a year I will be sad to say goodbye to breastfeeding.
Stay tune 6 months from now I may be eating my own words.
