Week 19 and 20: Learning to keep it safe

She likes to eat cucumbers when she is sick....I guess. 

These past two weeks have been a blur for us. Annaka had a cold for TWO weeks! I took her into the doctors and she had an ear infection in both ears, They were not only red but the doctor said they were CRIMSON, could I have felt any worse, no. I cried, I felt terrible that I had waited so long to get her into the doctor and that I hadn't taken care of the cold sooner. So today we are all done with a 5 day antibiotics, which I was hoping to avoid. We went to the doctors on Monday and on Tuesday morning she fell face first onto a window ledge. I called Kyle SOBBING, I let her fall onto the window and from the looks of it she split her lip, had a bump on her head. I can't remember ever feeling so bad.

So is there any other Mommy out there who feels this way? Who sobs uncontrollably when there child is sick or injured because you turned your head for literally ONE second? That night I had Annaka sleep with me in bed. Not sure why I thought this would make anyone feel better, that girl can move in her sleep. As I was lying awake at 4 in the morning with a tiny foot up against my forehead I could not help but think of all the ways that I will not be able to "save" Annaka.

I thought of all the ways that I want to protect my sweet girl of anything bad ever happening. I thought of all the steps I could take next time she gets a cold to avoid an ear infection. I was already, since the fall, making plans on how to baby proof all windows that Annaka and I ever come across. Then I realized this is ridiculous. As much as I wish and plan there is no way on Earth that I could ever protect her from all things awful. Of course I have always know this, I obviously did not think I was a more superior parent able to shield her from all harm, though I was going to try. It really began to sink in that she will fall many, many more times she will get many more scratches, and bumps. She may even (closes my eyes and prays this never happens) BRAKE A BONE! She will have heartbreaks and disappointments.  Her feelings will get her she will get teased and/or made fun of. No matter what I do I will not be able to protect her from all the terrible in the world.

So there is nothing left for me to do but trust the Lord. Do the best that I can with the skills that the good Lord gave me for Annaka. In this I rest easy and I remember that He loves her more than I do which means as much as I hope and pray for nothing to ever happen to my child the Lord wishes it more. I am also humbled by the fact that not only does Jesus feel this way about Annaka He feels this way about each and everyone of us. I am beyond grateful for the Lords grace.